Lately

12:18am

Today was productive. I did yoga. I meditated. I wrote, I read. I went to the gym, I made conscious eating choices, okay not really on that one, but nonetheless it was a good day.

I’ve been struggling lately, I tend to be very optimistic, I can justify and find the good in just about anything. Lately its been one thing after the next, each situation I find harder and harder to find the silver lining. This last event has nearly broke me …

Someone who I’ve always had 100% trust, would never question, without a doubt knew they had my best interest, has shattered my idealism of trust and communication and honesty. They have been so deceitful, caused so much damage, that I can barely breath when they are in the same room. I find myself questioning everything they’ve taught me, which is not far from everything I know.

I know there is good in the world, but it seems all that is within my sight lately is just the opposite of good. I feel so overwhelmed…

This is why I want to study Buddhism I am intrigued by the concept of happiness not in the absence of suffering. Suffering is inevitable fact, I want to remain true to myself and stand firm and confident despite what I may face. I want something deeper than happiness, I want something everlasting.

Tomorrow is a new day, or today. A fresh start to be the person I want to be, an opportunity to try again, to try harder, to be better. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Sweetdreams.

Goals.

I’d like to write here everyday, no matter what I am writing or when I am writing it; I’d like to read everyday, a book in hand, constantly learning.

I’d like to start incorporating yoga and meditation to my daily routine; I’d like to study and learn more of the Buddhist ways.

I’d like to lift weights and do cardio, keep my body and my heart strong. Bonus if I  can maintain a strong abdomen.

I need to change my diet, one thing at a time. I’d love to go all natural, nothing man made.

I must practice patience, at all times. I must be kind to myself and not compare my growth with others. I must remain constant, any effort is better than none.

 

 

 

Day One.

I edit everything I do, from the words seeping out of my mouth, to my calculated outfit to my day to day schedule. I don’t know how to not do anything else. I like control, I like knowing and being prepared. I strongly dislike surprises. I tend to overwhelm myself, I want to be able to do it all and some but that’s just not realistic; but try telling me that once I’ve set my mind on something.  Despite these specific characteristics I’m still the only thing standing in the way of reaching my goals. Are not we all though, the only thing standing in our way. Maybe not, I can only speak for myself I suppose…

I am here for a few different reasons, 1. I need an outlet, a space I can come think freely and the only editing I have to worry about is my grammar, which I’ll apologize in advance for; I’m speaking to futuristic me, as I don’t actually expect anyone to read or follow this. 2. I need documentation, I need to be held accountable for my actions or lack there of.  Lastly 3. I need support but that one is optional, if I find it here, great, if I don’t I’ll still succeed.

Good luck self, I’m proud of you for at least trying.