DAY 4

I had the energy to write this, and then I sat on my phone for nearly an hour.

1:31 am

I don’t want words to lose me, but I’m so tired. I’m tired of thinking, of going, I wish I could just plug my thoughts in and they would tell you themselves. I wish I could apply that in real life actually, I wish I didn’t have to speak, people would just know, know whatever it is I wanted them to know. I don’t know when words became so complicated, when did communicating because so difficult.

I went on a hike this morning to the big M in Moreno Valley, it was only slightly disastrous. I got a late start to the day, made a wrong turn and took the wrong trail, all of which would have been okay if  I were alone, unfortunately I wasn’t, and the backlash was brutal, from myself of course. I vowed to try new hikes alone, which I am aware is a ridiculous idea, but it would allow me to guarantee the next time I invited someone on a hike I knew what I was doing. We will see how that plays out of course.

I talked to Alicia tonight, kind of.. I told her I needed help, I needed someone, I needed her. I instantly wanted to take it back, but I’m glad I couldn’t because I do need someone right now… I just hope she doesn’t let me down, I hope even more I don’t let me down.

There are so many voices in my head, sometimes its easier just to do whatever I have to do to shut them up … what a scary sentence huh? Fact.

Its my dads birthday tomorrow (today). Were going to breakfast in the morning and then I work the rest of the day. Then begins a new week… everyday is another opportunity to do today what you didn’t yesterday.

I’m just writing, which is good, but I cant help but edit and think if anyone was actually reading this, where am I going with it. I feel like I can never stop thinking,

I’m gonna finish my glass of wine, do another round of yoga and head to sleep.

Until tomorrow.

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Day 3

written on day 4.

12:20am

Yesterday turned out out be one of the most intense days I’ve ever had. I stared the day on the golf course, it wasn’t too cold thankfully but I had this weird sist in my mouth that eventually ended up being quite painful. I made my way to urgent  care and 5 hours later I  had a temporary root canal and an appointment to come back within a week to finish the root canal. I left the hospital in order to retrieve my antibiotics and pain relievers only being able to retrieve my antibiotics. I return home only to be locked out 30 minutes later, for at least 3 hours. I cant explain to you the pain I felt one the numbness wore off my mouth and I was still outside in the cold. Once I made it inside and finally took some pain medicine all I wanted was to do was be comforted while my wife thought all I wanted was to be left alone, leaving me to go to sleep quite unsatisfied, given I could have spoken up and told her what I needed… but easier said than done I suppose.

The next day I started work at 8 am. I went to bed the night before between 9 pm and 10 pm close so I felt plenty rested and fully awake to make this decision.

-Shardai

Day 2

I should have gotten a snack before I started this.

1:32 am 5/18/2017 <– I’m writing for 5/17/17 as my day still continues.

I woke up late this morning, set my alarm for 6 am, 630 the latest and I woke up at 730, the latest time time I can leave my house and make it to work on time. I drove the bev-cart on  the golf course today, like I do every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. except today I was training a girl who would start driving the bev-cart on the weekends. It was her last day of training so I just sat back and relaxed, oh did I say relax I meant to say froze my but off as it was under 60 degree’s all morning, such a drag. Not to mention I felt shade all morning from the golfers, with the new chick it felt like she was the shiny new toy and I had disappeared. She was pretty and blonde with blue eyes… just sayin. Did I mention its a private country club, Caucasian 70% Asian 15% Hispanic 6% African american 4% other 5%. Right, so I felt some type of way about their eager response to the new girl.

After the country club I went to the hospital to visit my (mother) in law who had been admitted earlier this morning. She’s going to be okay, Lupus flare up. Lupus.. Lupus..Lupus… please go away.. </3

I closed tonight at the movie theater. We had our first bar meeting with our new bar manger… even though he started about a a month or so ago, it went well. I like him, I don’t want to because its early and I wanna give him time to set in his ways before I form any opinion, but thus far, I like him, I hope he’s good for the bar. The meeting kinda got me thinking, there may be a future with this company, they’re expanding and opening new positions. I kind of have this crazy idea … bare with me now

What if I stayed with this company for another year and really got my “act” together, started thinking like a boss and eventually move up to one. What if I gain enough experience in say the next five years to become a senior manager, bar manager that’s at least 42k a year. What if in another 5 years I’d have gone back to school, gotten my degree in business and opened my own spot; a kind of nurture by day, naughty by night joint. I want to create a safe haven for youth, for young adults, a place with resources, and support and opportunity. a mom and pop boys and girls club you might say; with a coffee shop, because coffee isn’t going anywhere.  At night, I want a speakeasy, a magical place, where creativity flows like the oxygen in the air. I want dreams to come true, talents to be discovered, people to be discovered, to be made, to be born, I want a home for the artistic souls.

Isn’t that crazy?

I’m home now, I’ve elevated and I’ve done some yoga and I somehow managed to write on here. I’d say I got through the day and that’s enough for celebration.

Until tomorrow.

 

 

Lately

12:18am

Today was productive. I did yoga. I meditated. I wrote, I read. I went to the gym, I made conscious eating choices, okay not really on that one, but nonetheless it was a good day.

I’ve been struggling lately, I tend to be very optimistic, I can justify and find the good in just about anything. Lately its been one thing after the next, each situation I find harder and harder to find the silver lining. This last event has nearly broke me …

Someone who I’ve always had 100% trust, would never question, without a doubt knew they had my best interest, has shattered my idealism of trust and communication and honesty. They have been so deceitful, caused so much damage, that I can barely breath when they are in the same room. I find myself questioning everything they’ve taught me, which is not far from everything I know.

I know there is good in the world, but it seems all that is within my sight lately is just the opposite of good. I feel so overwhelmed…

This is why I want to study Buddhism I am intrigued by the concept of happiness not in the absence of suffering. Suffering is inevitable fact, I want to remain true to myself and stand firm and confident despite what I may face. I want something deeper than happiness, I want something everlasting.

Tomorrow is a new day, or today. A fresh start to be the person I want to be, an opportunity to try again, to try harder, to be better. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Sweetdreams.