DAY 4

I had the energy to write this, and then I sat on my phone for nearly an hour.

1:31 am

I don’t want words to lose me, but I’m so tired. I’m tired of thinking, of going, I wish I could just plug my thoughts in and they would tell you themselves. I wish I could apply that in real life actually, I wish I didn’t have to speak, people would just know, know whatever it is I wanted them to know. I don’t know when words became so complicated, when did communicating because so difficult.

I went on a hike this morning to the big M in Moreno Valley, it was only slightly disastrous. I got a late start to the day, made a wrong turn and took the wrong trail, all of which would have been okay if  I were alone, unfortunately I wasn’t, and the backlash was brutal, from myself of course. I vowed to try new hikes alone, which I am aware is a ridiculous idea, but it would allow me to guarantee the next time I invited someone on a hike I knew what I was doing. We will see how that plays out of course.

I talked to Alicia tonight, kind of.. I told her I needed help, I needed someone, I needed her. I instantly wanted to take it back, but I’m glad I couldn’t because I do need someone right now… I just hope she doesn’t let me down, I hope even more I don’t let me down.

There are so many voices in my head, sometimes its easier just to do whatever I have to do to shut them up … what a scary sentence huh? Fact.

Its my dads birthday tomorrow (today). Were going to breakfast in the morning and then I work the rest of the day. Then begins a new week… everyday is another opportunity to do today what you didn’t yesterday.

I’m just writing, which is good, but I cant help but edit and think if anyone was actually reading this, where am I going with it. I feel like I can never stop thinking,

I’m gonna finish my glass of wine, do another round of yoga and head to sleep.

Until tomorrow.

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Goals.

I’d like to write here everyday, no matter what I am writing or when I am writing it; I’d like to read everyday, a book in hand, constantly learning.

I’d like to start incorporating yoga and meditation to my daily routine; I’d like to study and learn more of the Buddhist ways.

I’d like to lift weights and do cardio, keep my body and my heart strong. Bonus if I  can maintain a strong abdomen.

I need to change my diet, one thing at a time. I’d love to go all natural, nothing man made.

I must practice patience, at all times. I must be kind to myself and not compare my growth with others. I must remain constant, any effort is better than none.