June

I’m upset with my best friend, and she doesn’t even know it… because to tell her would be to face myself and thats never an option, until its the only option of course.

I’m upset with her because the last handful of times I’ve spoken with her the conversations have just revolved around her. I know she has a lot going on, a lot of sudden changes in her life, but her life isn’t the only one going through the motions. She knows the events that her occurred over my life the last 6 weeks or so and yet she hasn’t even mustered a “How are you?”. I know I should say something, I mean she probably does’t even  realize… I just wish I didn’t have to, I wish she could hear it in my voice, see in my eyes (through skype), feel it in her heart. I thought we were more connected than this.

I know this is silly, were adults and I have no trouble communicating; yet this is different. I have always struggled with asking for help, call it my pride, but I wanted to be able to accomplish whatever it may be, on my own even if it mades things more difficult. So when I do ask for help, it means I have no where else to turn, I’m waving the white flag. It feels like a hit to my confidence, even though there is 100% nothing wrong with asking for help, it takes a stronger person to ask for help than it does to not ask. I’ll preach this day and night but we all know how easy it is to tell someone else what to do.

11:11pm

I wish I’d established a stronger circle.

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DAY 4

I had the energy to write this, and then I sat on my phone for nearly an hour.

1:31 am

I don’t want words to lose me, but I’m so tired. I’m tired of thinking, of going, I wish I could just plug my thoughts in and they would tell you themselves. I wish I could apply that in real life actually, I wish I didn’t have to speak, people would just know, know whatever it is I wanted them to know. I don’t know when words became so complicated, when did communicating because so difficult.

I went on a hike this morning to the big M in Moreno Valley, it was only slightly disastrous. I got a late start to the day, made a wrong turn and took the wrong trail, all of which would have been okay if  I were alone, unfortunately I wasn’t, and the backlash was brutal, from myself of course. I vowed to try new hikes alone, which I am aware is a ridiculous idea, but it would allow me to guarantee the next time I invited someone on a hike I knew what I was doing. We will see how that plays out of course.

I talked to Alicia tonight, kind of.. I told her I needed help, I needed someone, I needed her. I instantly wanted to take it back, but I’m glad I couldn’t because I do need someone right now… I just hope she doesn’t let me down, I hope even more I don’t let me down.

There are so many voices in my head, sometimes its easier just to do whatever I have to do to shut them up … what a scary sentence huh? Fact.

Its my dads birthday tomorrow (today). Were going to breakfast in the morning and then I work the rest of the day. Then begins a new week… everyday is another opportunity to do today what you didn’t yesterday.

I’m just writing, which is good, but I cant help but edit and think if anyone was actually reading this, where am I going with it. I feel like I can never stop thinking,

I’m gonna finish my glass of wine, do another round of yoga and head to sleep.

Until tomorrow.

Day 3

written on day 4.

12:20am

Yesterday turned out out be one of the most intense days I’ve ever had. I stared the day on the golf course, it wasn’t too cold thankfully but I had this weird sist in my mouth that eventually ended up being quite painful. I made my way to urgent  care and 5 hours later I  had a temporary root canal and an appointment to come back within a week to finish the root canal. I left the hospital in order to retrieve my antibiotics and pain relievers only being able to retrieve my antibiotics. I return home only to be locked out 30 minutes later, for at least 3 hours. I cant explain to you the pain I felt one the numbness wore off my mouth and I was still outside in the cold. Once I made it inside and finally took some pain medicine all I wanted was to do was be comforted while my wife thought all I wanted was to be left alone, leaving me to go to sleep quite unsatisfied, given I could have spoken up and told her what I needed… but easier said than done I suppose.

The next day I started work at 8 am. I went to bed the night before between 9 pm and 10 pm close so I felt plenty rested and fully awake to make this decision.

-Shardai

Day 2

I should have gotten a snack before I started this.

1:32 am 5/18/2017 <– I’m writing for 5/17/17 as my day still continues.

I woke up late this morning, set my alarm for 6 am, 630 the latest and I woke up at 730, the latest time time I can leave my house and make it to work on time. I drove the bev-cart on  the golf course today, like I do every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. except today I was training a girl who would start driving the bev-cart on the weekends. It was her last day of training so I just sat back and relaxed, oh did I say relax I meant to say froze my but off as it was under 60 degree’s all morning, such a drag. Not to mention I felt shade all morning from the golfers, with the new chick it felt like she was the shiny new toy and I had disappeared. She was pretty and blonde with blue eyes… just sayin. Did I mention its a private country club, Caucasian 70% Asian 15% Hispanic 6% African american 4% other 5%. Right, so I felt some type of way about their eager response to the new girl.

After the country club I went to the hospital to visit my (mother) in law who had been admitted earlier this morning. She’s going to be okay, Lupus flare up. Lupus.. Lupus..Lupus… please go away.. </3

I closed tonight at the movie theater. We had our first bar meeting with our new bar manger… even though he started about a a month or so ago, it went well. I like him, I don’t want to because its early and I wanna give him time to set in his ways before I form any opinion, but thus far, I like him, I hope he’s good for the bar. The meeting kinda got me thinking, there may be a future with this company, they’re expanding and opening new positions. I kind of have this crazy idea … bare with me now

What if I stayed with this company for another year and really got my “act” together, started thinking like a boss and eventually move up to one. What if I gain enough experience in say the next five years to become a senior manager, bar manager that’s at least 42k a year. What if in another 5 years I’d have gone back to school, gotten my degree in business and opened my own spot; a kind of nurture by day, naughty by night joint. I want to create a safe haven for youth, for young adults, a place with resources, and support and opportunity. a mom and pop boys and girls club you might say; with a coffee shop, because coffee isn’t going anywhere.  At night, I want a speakeasy, a magical place, where creativity flows like the oxygen in the air. I want dreams to come true, talents to be discovered, people to be discovered, to be made, to be born, I want a home for the artistic souls.

Isn’t that crazy?

I’m home now, I’ve elevated and I’ve done some yoga and I somehow managed to write on here. I’d say I got through the day and that’s enough for celebration.

Until tomorrow.

 

 

Day One.

I edit everything I do, from the words seeping out of my mouth, to my calculated outfit to my day to day schedule. I don’t know how to not do anything else. I like control, I like knowing and being prepared. I strongly dislike surprises. I tend to overwhelm myself, I want to be able to do it all and some but that’s just not realistic; but try telling me that once I’ve set my mind on something.  Despite these specific characteristics I’m still the only thing standing in the way of reaching my goals. Are not we all though, the only thing standing in our way. Maybe not, I can only speak for myself I suppose…

I am here for a few different reasons, 1. I need an outlet, a space I can come think freely and the only editing I have to worry about is my grammar, which I’ll apologize in advance for; I’m speaking to futuristic me, as I don’t actually expect anyone to read or follow this. 2. I need documentation, I need to be held accountable for my actions or lack there of.  Lastly 3. I need support but that one is optional, if I find it here, great, if I don’t I’ll still succeed.

Good luck self, I’m proud of you for at least trying.