DAY 4

I had the energy to write this, and then I sat on my phone for nearly an hour.

1:31 am

I don’t want words to lose me, but I’m so tired. I’m tired of thinking, of going, I wish I could just plug my thoughts in and they would tell you themselves. I wish I could apply that in real life actually, I wish I didn’t have to speak, people would just know, know whatever it is I wanted them to know. I don’t know when words became so complicated, when did communicating because so difficult.

I went on a hike this morning to the big M in Moreno Valley, it was only slightly disastrous. I got a late start to the day, made a wrong turn and took the wrong trail, all of which would have been okay if  I were alone, unfortunately I wasn’t, and the backlash was brutal, from myself of course. I vowed to try new hikes alone, which I am aware is a ridiculous idea, but it would allow me to guarantee the next time I invited someone on a hike I knew what I was doing. We will see how that plays out of course.

I talked to Alicia tonight, kind of.. I told her I needed help, I needed someone, I needed her. I instantly wanted to take it back, but I’m glad I couldn’t because I do need someone right now… I just hope she doesn’t let me down, I hope even more I don’t let me down.

There are so many voices in my head, sometimes its easier just to do whatever I have to do to shut them up … what a scary sentence huh? Fact.

Its my dads birthday tomorrow (today). Were going to breakfast in the morning and then I work the rest of the day. Then begins a new week… everyday is another opportunity to do today what you didn’t yesterday.

I’m just writing, which is good, but I cant help but edit and think if anyone was actually reading this, where am I going with it. I feel like I can never stop thinking,

I’m gonna finish my glass of wine, do another round of yoga and head to sleep.

Until tomorrow.

Lately

12:18am

Today was productive. I did yoga. I meditated. I wrote, I read. I went to the gym, I made conscious eating choices, okay not really on that one, but nonetheless it was a good day.

I’ve been struggling lately, I tend to be very optimistic, I can justify and find the good in just about anything. Lately its been one thing after the next, each situation I find harder and harder to find the silver lining. This last event has nearly broke me …

Someone who I’ve always had 100% trust, would never question, without a doubt knew they had my best interest, has shattered my idealism of trust and communication and honesty. They have been so deceitful, caused so much damage, that I can barely breath when they are in the same room. I find myself questioning everything they’ve taught me, which is not far from everything I know.

I know there is good in the world, but it seems all that is within my sight lately is just the opposite of good. I feel so overwhelmed…

This is why I want to study Buddhism I am intrigued by the concept of happiness not in the absence of suffering. Suffering is inevitable fact, I want to remain true to myself and stand firm and confident despite what I may face. I want something deeper than happiness, I want something everlasting.

Tomorrow is a new day, or today. A fresh start to be the person I want to be, an opportunity to try again, to try harder, to be better. We shall see what tomorrow brings.

Sweetdreams.

Goals.

I’d like to write here everyday, no matter what I am writing or when I am writing it; I’d like to read everyday, a book in hand, constantly learning.

I’d like to start incorporating yoga and meditation to my daily routine; I’d like to study and learn more of the Buddhist ways.

I’d like to lift weights and do cardio, keep my body and my heart strong. Bonus if I  can maintain a strong abdomen.

I need to change my diet, one thing at a time. I’d love to go all natural, nothing man made.

I must practice patience, at all times. I must be kind to myself and not compare my growth with others. I must remain constant, any effort is better than none.