I had the energy to write this, and then I sat on my phone for nearly an hour.

1:31 am

I don’t want words to lose me, but I’m so tired. I’m tired of thinking, of going, I wish I could just plug my thoughts in and they would tell you themselves. I wish I could apply that in real life actually, I wish I didn’t have to speak, people would just know, know whatever it is I wanted them to know. I don’t know when words became so complicated, when did communicating because so difficult.

I went on a hike this morning to the big M in Moreno Valley, it was only slightly disastrous. I got a late start to the day, made a wrong turn and took the wrong trail, all of which would have been okay if  I were alone, unfortunately I wasn’t, and the backlash was brutal, from myself of course. I vowed to try new hikes alone, which I am aware is a ridiculous idea, but it would allow me to guarantee the next time I invited someone on a hike I knew what I was doing. We will see how that plays out of course.

I talked to Alicia tonight, kind of.. I told her I needed help, I needed someone, I needed her. I instantly wanted to take it back, but I’m glad I couldn’t because I do need someone right now… I just hope she doesn’t let me down, I hope even more I don’t let me down.

There are so many voices in my head, sometimes its easier just to do whatever I have to do to shut them up … what a scary sentence huh? Fact.

Its my dads birthday tomorrow (today). Were going to breakfast in the morning and then I work the rest of the day. Then begins a new week… everyday is another opportunity to do today what you didn’t yesterday.

I’m just writing, which is good, but I cant help but edit and think if anyone was actually reading this, where am I going with it. I feel like I can never stop thinking,

I’m gonna finish my glass of wine, do another round of yoga and head to sleep.

Until tomorrow.




Today was productive. I did yoga. I meditated. I wrote, I read. I went to the gym, I made conscious eating choices, okay not really on that one, but nonetheless it was a good day.

I’ve been struggling lately, I tend to be very optimistic, I can justify and find the good in just about anything. Lately its been one thing after the next, each situation I find harder and harder to find the silver lining. This last event has nearly broke me …

Someone who I’ve always had 100% trust, would never question, without a doubt knew they had my best interest, has shattered my idealism of trust and communication and honesty. They have been so deceitful, caused so much damage, that I can barely breath when they are in the same room. I find myself questioning everything they’ve taught me, which is not far from everything I know.

I know there is good in the world, but it seems all that is within my sight lately is just the opposite of good. I feel so overwhelmed…

This is why I want to study Buddhism I am intrigued by the concept of happiness not in the absence of suffering. Suffering is inevitable fact, I want to remain true to myself and stand firm and confident despite what I may face. I want something deeper than happiness, I want something everlasting.

Tomorrow is a new day, or today. A fresh start to be the person I want to be, an opportunity to try again, to try harder, to be better. We shall see what tomorrow brings.



I’d like to write here everyday, no matter what I am writing or when I am writing it; I’d like to read everyday, a book in hand, constantly learning.

I’d like to start incorporating yoga and meditation to my daily routine; I’d like to study and learn more of the Buddhist ways.

I’d like to lift weights and do cardio, keep my body and my heart strong. Bonus if I  can maintain a strong abdomen.

I need to change my diet, one thing at a time. I’d love to go all natural, nothing man made.

I must practice patience, at all times. I must be kind to myself and not compare my growth with others. I must remain constant, any effort is better than none.